Someone asked me today, how do I benefit by being a Witch? Here's my answer...

How does one benefit? Hm. Big question, with a big answer.

I think the best part of being a Witch to me is the feeling of rightness, fitting, belonging, being natural. Witchcraft and Paganism is to me like coming home after a long, lonely journey to a strange land where I didn't speak the language. I was raised Christian and it just didn't fit me. I discovered Paganism and I knew it was right.

Now you might ask, why did it suit you better than Christianity? Well firstly, it has both Goddess and God. I've always believed in Goddess as well as God, right from the beginning of my life. I was scolded harshly for asking if Mary was the Christian version of Goddess, because it made sense to me... if she has God's child, she's Mrs. God, right? Being told that was not correct was like being scolded for believing the sky is blue when it's "really" yellow.

Interacting with Goddess as well as God has been very fulfilling for me. She and I have a relationship which is different from that which I have with God, but just as wonderful.

She heals me in so many ways, especially in my dealings with the women in my life like my mother, etc. and Her stories (myths like Inanna, Persephone, Modron, Rhiannon, Macha, etc.) teach me so very much about human nature, womanhood, and life.

She is an amazing, loving role model. She inspires me as Maiden, as Mother, as Crone, and makes me look forward to each stage of my life instead of fearing the aging process and loss of my looks.

My relationship with God has been incredibly rich. He chose me as His special child when I was little, and gave me a deep love in my heart for His other children, the animals. I've been their protector and advocate as early as I can remember.

He has taught me about humour, about sexuality, about love and joy and the cycle of life and death and rebirth. He has taught me to not be afraid of fear, and how to be strong and courageous. He has kept me going when I thought I couldn't go any farther.

Together, They have given me a system of morality and ethics that bolsters me when I need it to... unconditional love and support and relief and understanding.

Their gift of magic lets me know that I have a hand in my own destiny, and can work to make my reality what I want it to be. They don't want Their children to be passive, but to make things happen for ourselves. Every time I create a spell I know They are smiling down on me, happy that I am following Their will for me (for all of us).

It's been a while since last I wrote, but there's been so much going on...

Something I've realized recently while researching traditional witchcraft (vs. Wicca) is that there is an enormous amount of power to be accessed in this universe, and that most religions forbid their followers to do so. I believe it's because the church leaders want to keep the power to themselves, and also to prevent chaos. Can you imagine what would happen if all 6 billion people on the planet were using their power to make things go their way?

It's best that only a select few, who are truly dedicated to the Craft, are ready, willing, and able to do so. Let the superstitious be daunted by their sacred books, they're not qualifed to do spellwork.

This sounds totally haughty and arrogant, but I'm afraid there are some aspects of life which are simply not fair. Not everyone is qualified to do everything, by reason of stupidity, gullibility, naivete, etc. Some people really are more equal than others.

Just found this: Native Astrology. Pretty accurate, and interesting.

Snake -- Birth dates: 23 October - 22 November.

Earth influence: The Frost Time.
Influencing wind: The West Winds. Totem:Grizzly bear.
Direction: West.
Predominant elements: Water with Earth.
Elemental clan: Frog (Water) Clan. Function:mental involvement
Birth and animal totem: Snake
Plant totem: Thistle.
Mineral totem: Amethyst.
Polarity totem: Beaver.
Affinity colour: Violet.
Musical vibration: B natural.
Personality: Intense. Impulsive. Ambifious. Determined. Mysterious.
Feelings: Hidden.
Intention: Introspection
Nature: Inquiring.
Positive traits: Purposeful. Discerning. Imaginative.
Negative traits: Resentful. Stubborn. Secretive. Suspicious.
Sex-drive: Intense.
Compatibilities: Woodpeckers and Wolves.
Conscious aim: Satisfaction.
Subconscious desire: Spiritual union.
Life-path: Sensitivity.
I Ching trigram: K'un. The Receptive Earth. Natural response.
Spiritual alchemy: Yin predominates.
Must cultivate: Determination. Adaptability. Creativity.
Must avoid: Egotism. Arrogance. Envy. Despondency.
Starting totems: Snake. Grizzly bear. Frog. Thistle. Amethyst. Beaver.

Not much to report today, except that I've noticed a lot of my premonitions coming true... little things, totally insignificant, except that I am thinking things and moments later they come true. Wonder what that's all about?

Thursday, October 11, 2001 1:48:30 pm

I've just figured out something which like a lightning bolt has made me see Christianity even more clearly....

The reason witchcraft is forbidden in the bible, and the reason Christians are told to be obedient and close-minded, is because those who compiled it and do the teaching want to keep the power for themselves, instead of let the common populace share in it.

There's an immense amount of pwer availabe to each and every person on earth-- personal power, earth power, divine power. And when you interact and collaborate with the gods to make things happen, to incur change, you are participating in a very powerful event. You are becoming a sort of demi-god yourself.

The early church leaders knew this, as it's a mystery religion just as much as any other, and wanted to keep it from the minds and lips and hands of the common rabble (they probably felt the masses would abuse it, and I agree). So, they took out all the stuff that might incite people to be more mystical-- all the magical references, all the reincarnation, and replaced them with injunctions against anything but blind, absolute, dependant faith, neutralizing their power very effectively.

There's a scale of power-- from complete dependance, fundamentalist-style, to the more free-thinking but still religious types, to the atheist mired in his own type of dogma and antagonism, to the new ager and fluff wiccan, to the person who *really* takes the power in his hands and works to affect the universe-- the witch.

3:04:06 pm

Yesterday the name "Macha" resonated in my head, over and over, so I decided to do some research on her.

Macha
An aspect of the Morrigan. Macha herself appeared in three guises:

1. Macha, wife of Nemed,
2. Macha the Red,
3. Macha, wife of Crunnchu.

In Celtic religion, one of three war goddesses; it is also a collective name for the three, who were also referred to as the three Morrigan. As an individual, Macha was known by a great variety of names, including Dana and Badb ("Crow," or "Raven"). She was the great earth mother, or female principle, and a great slaughterer of men, as was another of the trinity, Morrigan, or Black Annis, who survives in Arthurian legend as Morgan le Fay. The third goddess was Nemain.

Soraya on Delphi is a "hedge witch" so I thought I'd see what that was...

Hedge Witch: A term denoting a Witch who neither belongs to a coven nor tradition but practices in a solitary fashion. Generally this person relies upon self-study, personal discernment, and intuition. The person does not claim to be initiated. This person leads a life similar to the ancient village witch who was called upon for spells and potions by the local people.

I've also learned that in old times, when most people lived in villages, the hedge was the border of a property, a field, and/or of the town itself; thus, "hedge" denotes a boundary.

A hedge witch crosses that boundary. She crosses over to the world of the dead to communicate with spirits of the deceased, as well as the spirits of nature, and even the gods. She must be carefully prepared and trained to do this, as the repercussions to herself, others, and the world at large could be dire if she made grave mistakes.

Also, I've been researching traditional witchcraft, as opposed to Wicca. I find that, more and more, I'm not entirely comfortable with what I've being told by more experienced Wiccans. I'm simply not good at the worship and ceremony thing. We'll see where I get with it all.

I've been thinking deep thoughts since the last Esbat. Someone suggested that the face the Goddess wore was that of Modron, so I've been researching it.

Modron is the Great Goddess; Guardian of the Otherworld, Protector, and Healer. She is Earth itself.

Modron,
Great Mother,
harvest our needs,
we give thanks
for the planted seeds,
lightness and darkness
are at one,
thanks to the Moon
and rising Sun.

"Modron's name is alluded to in the Arthurian Tale of Culhwch & Olwen, where she appears as the mother of the Celtic God of Youth, Maponos (or Mabon). She is probably depicted with him as the double-goddess on a stone carving from the Roman fort at Ribchester in Lancashire. Confusion with later mortal characters indicate that her father was probably Afallach, God of the Underworld. Little else is known of her directly, but her name, meaning 'Divine Mother,' shows she is almost certainly the ubiquitous Mother-Goddess to be found throughout the Celtic World.

She is usually a triple-aspect goddess, referred to, by the Romans, as Deae Matres or the Matronae, and depicted as three seated ladies often holding their associated attributes. In Britain, these tend to be babies, fruit and loaves emphasizing her role a Goddess of Fertility in both the human and agricultural world."

"St. Maderne, the patron saint of Madron well, is actually Modron Verch Avallach, the Mother Goddess mentioned in the Welsh Triads. Modron was Christianised into St. Madrun which is etymologically identical to the Cornish Maderne. Somewhere along the way the Great Mother Goddess has not only found Christianity but also changed gender! Modron is the Mother of the Fates, and the Water of Life."

"The name Modron is used in Celtic mythology in a specific sense. It does not mean Mother as most of us think of her. Modron is Mother of the 'virgin', or maiden. Modron is the earth mother, sometimes depicted as a Black Goddess/Madonna, black being the symbolic colour of earth, the underworld and death. The Mother represents the dark or waning moon, and her daughter, the bride or virgin is the new and waxing moon [2]. This female polarity is a more ancient division of the aspects of the Goddess than the later maiden, mother, hag.

This dual aspect of the Goddess passed over very clearly into Christianity. St Anne is the Mother of the Virgin, who in turn is the Mother of the son or sun. There are many St Anne or 'tan' wells, which represent a different aspect to the numerous wells dedicated to the Virgin, (i.e. St Mary, St Bride or St Helen).

St Anne is also a Christianisation of Black Annis, for the Mother is also the Witch. This came out in the spontaneous, strong images which arose whilst at Madron Well. There were a black cat, a crow's foot (the 'witches' mark'), and a three-headed raven, presumably symbolic of Hecate, called 'Witch of the Three Ways'."

Modron is the ritual of the autumn equinox, the fall time when the light and dark merge as one for a time, and in this the dark of the spiral overtakes the light. This is the a harvest festival as well, to procure the last of what was left in the fields, the crop of the vine... This festival is also called by many traditions, the Croning. It is where the Goddess as Mother changes Her mask and rises Herself as Crone, the Dark Mother that is the cutter of the thread of life. The God is beginning to change into the aspect of the God as hunter, the Wise-Mage that begins the forest trod in search of game, and the wild nestlings of the fowl and roebuck. Tis the time of recline of the seasonal spiral, and the reverence of the Crone fills the Air with awe and Wonderment.

The festival is the meaning of death and life in a state of balance, and the expression of this power in nature over all living things. This is a special time for cutting magicks in many forms and ways, in the mid-point of this tide is the emanation that leads to the spiral within, where the true magick lays in awaiting for the one to awaken in the Dragon-Might awaiting to gently move forth to the surface and conscious realm of being.

Earlier this week I celebrated the Full Moon Esbat, just me and Dylon. When I welcomed the Lady and Lord to the circle, not only could I really feel Their presence but They sort of interrupted the progress of the ritual to "converse" with me. God had made Himself known to me before, when He let me know He had "dibs" on me, in His mask of Cernunnos/Herne. He folded me tightly in His arms and let me know He would protect me and give me courage for something in my life that will be very hard for me.

I've had no contact with Goddess before now, none at all, and I felt almost like She was avoiding me. Until 2 weeks or so ago when I realized She was not interacting with me because of my self-hatred and self-disgust. As a part of me, when I hate myself, I am hating Her as well. I have to release my hurt and anger from my childhood, when I was teased and tormented so badly, which led to me believing that I deserved to be treated like that.

I had a wonderful moment when I realized that it was all untrue-- that as a child of Goddess and God I was beautiful and perfect in Their eyes. Ever since then, I've started to heal from the terrible emotional wounds I've suffered since I was a kid. So... the I turned to Her. She was aloof, calm, and made no attempt to reach out to me or speak. I broke down and told Her that I now knew how badly I had hurt and insulted Her for hating myself all those years, and that if She would help me just a little I would start to love and appreciate who and what I am, and treat Her, in me, as She and I deserve.

She reached out then, and took my hands in hers, and pulled so that my head was bowed before Her. She kissed the top of my head and said, "You are always with me." At this point, I was crying. She stepped back and indicated I was to carry on with the ritual, so I did. After I was warm, drowsy, and so happy!

So now I am wondering, which Goddess-face was She wearing when She came to me last night? She wore all silvery-white, was tall and pale and slender, lovely but not beautiful-- rather normal looking except for the light that radiated from Her. And She was very reserved and aloof, not at all like Cernunnos, who was hale and hearty and smiling and gave me a terrific bear hug.

Had an interesting flash of insight driving home from Joe's with Dylon, about the nature of divinity and the gods. Ars Gratia Artis and all that-- doing something for its own sake. Kinda connotes a standard of excellence in honour of the sake of the practice-- so as to not blemish and lower the principle of the thing.

If you are devoted to the concept of excellence in something for its own sake, it's easy to anthropomorphize the concept and think of it as an actual being. In the case of a concept that you admire, respect, and honour especially, to think of it as a deity. People have been doing this for millenia-- gnosticism has its sophia, the embodiment of wisdom. Some feel jesus is the embodiment of sacrifice. et cetera.

Here's where the philosophy comes in. Let's look at the mostly eastern premise that reality is relative-- it's nothing more that what you perceive in your mind. So, if reality is only what you perceive, and you perceive that a deity exists (perhaps even interacts with you), does that make the deity "real"? Does a god exist *because* and/or *if* we can perceive it (for whatever reason-- faith, dementia, etc.)?

What about absolute reality? Is there a bottom line of what actually is as opposed to what we perceive? If so, can we will a deity into absolute, real existence (not just perceptional existence), so that *because* we believed in it, it came to exist?

Gotta think more about it.

I dreamt last night that I saw Aurora again. It's a reminder of my youth again; now that I'm coming up on 30 I'm really beginning to feel... not OLD exactly, but like I've wasted the best years of my life, my twenties. Like my thirties won't be able to be good.

I am feeling quite strongly a need to get in touch with my own Maiden aspect, and I know I should. Just becoming a Pagan and starting right off with the Mother aspect completely ignores a huge part of my life, and is in blatant denial of who I am right now-- a Maiden (so to speak).

Maidenhood doesn't last forever; it's a unique, dynamic time of a woman's life. With the baby rabies I'm currently suffering from however, it would seem that I am very eager to be done with it. I need to reexamine and learn to appreciate it as having worth and value in and of itself, instead of being something I'm travelling through on my journey to motherhood.

I think Green Tara will be a focus for my research on this issue. Perhaps a bit of Red Tara as well.

"She is the breaker of boundaries, the challenger of semantics, the champion of questions left unanswered. Lacking wisdom, it also may be a time of foolishness, learning from mistakes, but having the courage to go in directions uncharted."

This means a lot to me... because it is how I have been for so long. Tilting at windmills, the champion of every hard-luck case and lost cause to come down the highway. I've also made a lot of bad decisions and foolish choices, but have always blamed myself for not being able to do better, know more, be more competant. Reading this makes me feel that perhaps I'm ok after all, that I was doing the best I could at the time, and that young woman are Maidens, not Crones. They don't have the benefit of a lifetime of experience. Mistakes are to be expected, and are not unusual.

Yes, I have many memories and tendencies from previous lives, and they give me attitudes and knowledge that makes me wiser than many women my age. But that doesn't make up for real-life, real-time experience. I must be able to forgive myself for not living up to the standards of prior lifetimes.

"She would be the energy, boldness and excitement of looking or finding a new job, engaged in new love, experiencing extreme sports, beholding a revelation of knowledge, eating your favorite dessert before deciding on what’s for supper, and striving towards individuality."

This is one of the positive aspects of the Maiden that I possess, and I must remember that just like I have a side I don't like, I also have many good traits.

Yesterday was pretty exciting-- Dylon got a call out of the blue from a woman in the SF area who wanted to buy his chainmail bra, sight unseen, no quibbles about the price! So he scrambled around to make it a little smaller (it was 43 inches around and the woman said she was 32, so he compromised and made it a 34). Then my father called and told us he needed the quote the very next day! So we scrambled to get it ready, I was up after 1 doing it.

And while I was washing dishes, it occurred to me: that spell I did last Thursday worked! I prayed to banish poverty, and it worked! The bra will bring us 600 much needed $, and the web site could bring us thousands!

Thank you, Goddess and God! Your blessings and kindnesses are appreciated, desired, and wonderful!