Today's theme is self-love. It suddenly hit me (thank you Goddess!) that the reason I'm having trouble connecting with Her is because I don't love myself. I am Goddess. If I hate myself, I am incapable of loving Her because She is within me, She IS me. Despising myself is despising Her.

But I have such a hard time liking myself. I guess I take others' words for it, because I don't seem to be very good at making friends or having people like me. I should take my OWN word for it... am I a likeable person to myself? Would I be friends with me? It's really tough to look at myself like another person.

I mean, let's face it. The most wonderful guy in the world loves me so much he married me. European people like me (Nicole and Ursula are huge fans of mine, apparently). Americans like me (for the most part). Just because the Haweaters don't means... what?

Let's look at them honestly. For the most part, they are presumptive, unmannerly, ignorant, judgmental. But I'm guilty of the same things, I suppose. Perhaps not the ignorant or unmannerly part... if anything, I think they are intimidated by my being smarter and more formal/polite than they. But I presume that these hicks know proper etiquette, and then become upset/offended when they prove they do not. And I am judgmental in declaring them deficient because of their ignorance.

What I need to do:
learn to love and respect myself. I am inherently deserving of love and respect as a child of Goddess and God. My compassion for animals and nature caused Cernunnos Himself to choose me as His special daughter. That means something, is worth something.
learn to draw on Them for more support. When something goes amiss, instead of launching into automatic I-hate-myself mode, I should turn to them for comfort and assistance. Berating myself doesn't improve anything, it accomplishes nothing but make me feel simply awful.

accordingly, when something goes wrong, I should look to a spell or ritual to make the situation better. Getting positive energy out there, working for me, instead of sinking into a pit of misery.

instead of getting defensive and insulting others, I need to accept them, warts and all, as children of the Mother and Father. They're not really doing and saying things against ME, it's just how they are, to judge and sentence people the way they do. That's how it is in small towns like this, and all the righteous indignation in the world isn't going to change it. If I'm going to live here I must learn to cope and deal with this.

How to cope and deal? For starters, a negativity- and gossip-binding spell. I am going to buy a few black candles (if available) when we go down to the dentist.

Last night's dream: that I was walking in the woods with a Native guy. I was telling him how I was interested and wanting to participate in learning about Native culture, language, religion, etc. He kept nodding and murmuring approvingly about it all. I was somewhat surprised that he'd be nice to me, not distrust me because I'm white.

There was a woman there too but I wasn't too clear on her, she was white also I felt.

Went to D's today to see his horses while DH, J, G, and E went into the woods to look at the weird tree.They were so beautiful I thanked God for them... His wonderful children, beautiful creations. And on the way home, I meditated on the element of Air. I had my arm out the window and enjoyed the feel of it on my skin, its texture, coolness, moistness, etc.

I have had to stop participating in one of the Delphi forums I was frequenting because, when confronted with fundamentalists of any stripe, I tend to become very negative and angry. As the Buddha said, I shouldn't put myself into a situation where a negative outcome is likely.

My Esbat last night was wonderful, I meditated on the Crone and how She is the gatekeeper of life and death... how She escorts the dead to the Summerlands and the to-be-born to their bodies... and how She has been busy this past week with all those killed by the terrorists. It was a strangely comforting thought, knowing that when I see Her in person, She will be bringing me Home. A familiar face to soothe the fear.

Also, I prayed to Hestia to help me keep house better, to not be so apathetic about it. I simply loathe housework, and want to change my attitude. To honour Hestia, keeper of the hearth and home; and also for the sake of my dear family, I will do better tidying and scrubbing and...

I really hate housework! Hestia, please help me to enjoy it, so it's a ritual to you and a service honouring my family. Please help me have a good attitude toward it, instead of this destructive, negative one I have now...

New Moon Esbat tonight!

I've been organizing my BOS today, putting more of it into MS Word format, and prettying up each document more. Eventually, I want to print the whole thing out so I have a hard copy that is easier to deal with when I'm actually doing a ritual. It will probably be in a looseleaf binder, one for rituals (BOS), one for recipes/spells (Grimoire) and one for Herbalism. I've also (finally!) constructed a ritual template that I can use to quick-create rituals for myself.

Well, that's it for me today, I'm off for my bath and then the esbat.

Interested in community today... seeking out various newsletters and zines online. Found a few decent ones, especially the Crone's Cottage, a pagan Martha Stewart mag.

Interested also in the witches' alphabet, aka TheBan.

And continuing my study and meditation about Inanna and Her descent.

As mentioned yesterday, someone in a Delphi chat mentioned hedge witchery... and now one of my mailing groups has people talking about it, recommending books. Ok, Goddess, I get the hint! LOL.

Also, I'm looking into the lore and meaning of the goddess Inanna and Her descent to and return from kur (hell).

Inanna dons a crown, representing intellectual functioning, the power of "being in her head". She places a circle of beads around her neck. The circle is a symbol of eternity and of the womb--she claims the power of eternal creativity. She fastens sparkling gems to her chest, pretty, "nice", positive feelings to protect her from the underworld. She places a gold ring around her wrist, a symbol of her power to act. She takes her lapis measuring rod in her hand, her critical ability to judge. She armors herself with a breastplate for protection, and covers herself with a royal robe. The armor is whatever psychic defenses and walls a person casts up to protect themselves from others. The royal robes make a nice analogy with the persona, the ability to look good for others.

At each gate she can barely squeeze through, it is almost as if she is repeating a birth process. Seven times she passes through a gate and seven times she abandons an implement of her power.

In descending into the depths, the weapons of consciousness become impediments. The work of descent cannot be done by the well fortified, but only by the vulnerable, by the helpless and disempowered. At the first gate, she must leave her intellectualizing behind. At the second gate, she must quit relying on her cleverness and creativity. At the third gate, her niceness must be surrendered. At the fourth gate, her armor; at the fifth, her ability to do; at the sixth, her critical judgement; and at the final gate, her persona is stripped away from her. She enters the underworld naked and helpless as the day she was born.

Ninshubur goes to Enki, God of Wisdom and the Waters for help in rescuing Inanna. Enki is troubled, but he has a solution. He scrapes the dirt from under his fingernails and creates from it two genderless beings to solve the problem. The solution to depression lies not in great intellectual power, nor in great emotional power. It comes from Wisdom, which encompasses all of the psychological functions. Enki takes action--and he is a God of action; note the dirt under his fingernails.

No longer is Inanna pure delightful lightness, for she now knows pain and darkness. She has experienced them for herself.

I've been meditating and I think part of my quest to have a baby relates to my lifelong quest for feminine approval... never getting any from my own mother in the ways that count, and having to start over so much because of moving so often, never being able to build a strong relationship with other women.

I've tried many times to build friendships with older women, and now I see so clearly that I was seeking a mother figure-- in Pam, in Valerie, in Jean, in Sandy. It never works.

And I think this is the basis of my problems connecting with Goddess. It must be explored more... I must allow Her to heal me, because I've rejected Her for many years now, and it is hurting me.

Still on Persephone... a site had this to say:

She kept the keys to both heaven and hell, or Elysium and Tartarus... She was considerably older than the Eleusinian myth of classical writings, which told of her descent into the underworld and her annual return to the earth each spring. Persephone was really another name for Hecate, or Hel.

If Persephone is but another aspect or face of Hekate, what does that mean? When Hekate tells Demeter what happened to her daughter, she is really telling about what happened to herself. And if Hekate is all-powerful, how did she allow Hades to abduct her... unless she wanted to be abducted? After all, Hekate waited 9 days until she told Demeter about Perephone's whereabouts...

And on another site:

Persphone personifies the kore, the maiden aspect of the goddess. Her myth exemplifies the cycles of nature, for when Persephone is underground, plants do not bloom, and when she returns to earth, spring ensues... Persephone is the goddess of the soul, for it is in the darkness of the underworld (analogous to the unconscious that soul is formed. In the Orphic mysteries, Persephone granted wisdom to the initiate for she is the goddess of a dark, uncomfortable wisdom, a goddess of dark and frightening power. Persephone represents the ability to rule over the aspects of ourselves that are terrifying in the extreme.

This suggests that Persephone is both Maiden and Crone. But mysteriously lacking the mother aspect! Fascinating!

Then:

Some see it as a metaphor for the existence of seasons or for the grain that must lie in the Winter earth in order to sprout in the Spring... Cicero says of the Mysteries that: "We have grasped the basis not only for living with joy but also for dying with a sweeter hope."

Perhaps the real meaning of the myth was that it was Persephone Herself who provided that sweeter hope because of Her sacrifice. Nobody goes willingly to death; we are all ravished by it and yet it is only by the feminine power of the Goddess that death can become rebirth. Persephone was considered to be the true power of the Underworld... She was the one who would greet you at the end of your life's journey, yet she was respected rather than feared.

And finally:

It is usually "victims" who identify the strongest with Persophone - the maiden goddess symbolising vulnerability - especially those who secretly enjoy adverse circumstances which have been thrust upon them (or did they seek them out?) If Persephone's message is striking a chord with you, prepare to do something constructive about taking responsibility for yourself and your life.

Today, write down 5 things you are grateful for. It could be the sunrise you caught this morning, the toast your partner made you, or seeing children skipping to school - whatever it is that makes you feel glad to be alive. When you wake up tomorrow, add to the list with another 5 things. Keep adding to the list every day until your heart is glowing with gratitude and joy - let the healing energy empower you in your new life!

This last bit is exceptionally poignant when viewed after the events of the past few days. We take so much for granted, here in North America. We have so much, and complain of what we don't have, rather then appreciating and enjoying what we *do*.

This is reason #3 that I am not Christian... I simply cannot ignore the truth I know about the unity and inherent nature of Goddess and God, how She and He are everywhere, and present in everything. The Abrahamic religions are too dualistic, separating everything between "the chosen people" and gentiles... "saved" and "heathens"... "Muslims" and "infidels" etc. etc.

When you are able to make a distinction between us vs. them, ANYTHING is possible. ANY evil is able to be justified if the "other" is an ungodly, literally godforsaken worthless unbeliever.

If you don't see God/dess as present in EACH AND EVERY being on this planet, then every atrocity becomes possible. As we are shown on a daily basis, and as has been hit home in the most direct, appalling way this week.

I have found some amazing information today, and most excitingly have started an essay to be accepted (hopefully) into an online teaching coven.

It's Universal Eclectic Wicca. I'm not sure that Wicca is THE way I want to go but so far, it's all I have found, apart from an eclectic coven in the Soo. They seem like awesomely nice folk, but 4+ hours is a long way just to celebrate the Sabbats once in a while... I doubt Dylon would be up for such a long and expensive trip.

"understand a Macro/Microcosmic correlation between the goal for outer and inner directed magick. (E.G. peace in the world and peace within.) "

Been thinking of Persephone today... she is both Maiden and Mother, perhaps even Crone, at the same time. She is a symbol of overcoming adversity and even death to return to the surface, to the sunlight. But she also knows her responsability, and returns to Hades when she must.

She was an innocent, but had that stripped from her without warning. I feel that way too, that I was so young when my innocence was lost. Did I ever even have it? I remember having my period by the 4th grade, being sexually aware by the 5th grade. Long before that, I was playing doctor and knowing exactly what I was doing, how, and why. Were there ever any mysteries for me?

There is something of Demeter in Persephone... Demeter is life, fertility, ripeness, new beginnings. She is life, but with the purpose of ending that life. The harvest is planted with the intention of cutting it down-- the harvest is planted with the express destiny of being cut down-- death is always the point of it all. Its only purpose is in what it can do once it is dead.

Persephone is the flip side of the coin. Persephone is death, decay, endings... but also beginnings once more. Without the dead half of the year, the earth cannot support next year's planting-- this mini-death is needed for life to continue.

And speaking of death... the events of this past week have been slowly sinking into me, I'm finally beginning to accept the reality of the horror. I am trying to relate it to Wicca, to Goddess and God... and the answer is KARMA. Threefold return the tale will tell... we have manipulated, bossed around, and butted in to the affairs of other countries for decades. Now we are paying the price, and it is a dear one.

I realized why God revealed Himself to me as He did-- because of my lifelong connection to His children, the animals. I have always wondered why my affinity and attraction was so strong, but now it is so obvious: I am Kernunnos' daughter, His child.

My heart feels like it is pouring out its blood for those whose last moments were of stark terror. My only consolation is that their deaths were fast. May my brothers and sisters who are hurt, soon be well; may those who have died find comfort in the arms of our Mother. May any animals trapped, injured, or killed in yesterday's tragedy be found, healed, or safely in the arms of our Father on the other side.

Went to the beach in Prov today after going to supper at Joe's and spending a bit of time with Jim and Wendy.

The moon was amazing, as was the sunset, it made me think of so many things. Of how "ownership" of the day is transferred from the God as Sun to the Goddess as Moon at dusk... like a lovely little ritual, a ceremony heralding that it is now nighttime, with all the subtle nuances and differences that that includes.

Mars was out too, so bright and so red! One by one other stars popped into view, and the ivory Moon glowed serenely in the darkening sky... I just sat and watched it for a long time, enjoying the fresh air and huge sky over head and the Moon watching over us the whole time.

I had an interesting conversation with a pagan tonight whose patron is Cernunnos, or Lord Herne as she called Him. She told me that he is a "fun guy" and that he can play jokes on you which aren't always funny to the one getting joked upon (me)... but that they are always lessons that are for your betterment.

It feels to me that Lord Herne has chosen me, so I will follow Him. I am still somewhat clueless as to the Goddess, however. I will pray and hope that that changes.

I had some great thoughts on the Crone last night. I've always had a special affinity for woman-as-gender-neutral-being: it's what I've striven for as a person my whole life, to be valuable and worthy and knowedgeable based on the mind, and to be defined by the mind, rather than the body and what it does for other people (sex object for men/wife, producer of children/mother, etc.)

It's like the post-menopausal woman is free of the bonds of womanhood-- she's not a "woman" but she's not a man either. She is free to explore her sexuality without the bonds of consequences.

I am particularly attracted to the Crone aspect as portrayed by Hecate, Morrigan, Cerridwen, etc. All my life I've striven to be recognized as a *human* rather than a woman, and have felt very little connection to my "girly bits" (breasts, reproductive organs).

Yes, I love sex and am attracted to men, but I have never been a feminine woman and don't dress up or show off my boobs etc. IOW, my sexuality is strong but not particularly feminine. I started thinking about it more, and I think my attitude corresponds to my affinity with the Crone and focus of thought on being a person rather than a woman. The Crone is free for the first time in her life-- without her menses, she is not a slave to her reproductive system. She is judged on the contents of her mind, instead of those of her body.

Historically, widows were the most powerful women because back then a woman's worth and identity WAS through childbirth. Once that was impossible, how exactly did one deal with her? Add to the the fact that if she'd lived that long, she probably was magnficently knowledgeable about many, many things...

No wonder the Crone seems to have terrified society for thousands of years. And no wonder so many women are afraid of getting old, instead dieting and having facelifts and dye jobs and lying about their ages. They're afraid of this mysterious, powerful person they could be if they were up to the challenge.

I've made a realization just now, as I was reading another one of Dana's Pagan books...

The reason that our society is dualistic to such an extent is because the religion that has most influenced it, Christianity, is itself very dualistic... not just in being so very black-and-white-no-shades-of-grey but also in that their God isn't immanent. They don't perceive God as being in every creature, in every plant, in every single thing.

God is only this finite being in Heaven, with clearly defined edges. That's why they have such trouble showing love and respect for the Earth, for animals, for plants and other people. They cannot see the divinity within it all, and are so wrapped up in ego and god-worship that there is nothing else for them-- there is God, there is themselves, and that is all. But when you see Goddess and God in everything, it's all sacred. You treat it all with care because it's all divine, every bit of it.

Also, they don't see every bit of the Earth as a sacred place, only those special areas called "churches" or "chapels". They don't see God everywhere except in church or specially designated times such as praying before meals or bed. God isn't everywhere, he's only where they want him to be, when they want him to be.

When you perceive the divine and the mystical surrounding you at all times, present in everything, it's hard to retain a dualistic, destructive us vs. them mentality.

Sue lent me an article she clipped from the Toronto paper discussing how God experiences are "all in our heads", literally... how, when one side of the brain is stimulated into communicating with the other side, the person has a religious/mystical experience, feeling that there is "someone" with them.

What this means is that we are only using one half of our brains at any given time, so if we are using both, there are two of us (so to speak) and we perceive the other "us" as God.

What this means is that, basically, we are God, we just don't realize it and for various reasons, attribute it to an external being instead of something inherent within ourselves.

Wonder if it's true.

Found a huge list of links to Pagan and Wiccan sites:

Faerie Wicca:
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Rhodes/5569/fae_toc.html

(Article on healing the Earth: http://www.feri.com/frand/shaman2.html )
http://www.well.com/user/zthirdrd/WiccanMiscellany.html

Celtic Wicca
http://www.sisterhoodofavalon.org/
http://www.celticsilverspiral.org/Wicca/
http://clix.to/earthsongs
http://www.shee-eire.com/magic&mythology/main.htm

Welsh Wicca (these folks have a correspondance course):
http://www.tylwythteg.com/Entrance/traditional-wicca-1.html

Reclaiming Wicca (Starhawk's circle):
http://www.reweaving.org/
http://www.dreamweaving.org/ (witch camp)

Universal Eclectic Wicca: http://home.att.net/~macmorgan_design/cuew/pageone.html

Dianic Wicca:
http://www.daughtersofthemoon.com/wicca.html
http://www.dianasgrove.com/philosophy/index.html
http://thewhitemoon.com/school/ (another correspondance course)

Georgian Wicca:
http://www.angelfire.com/wa/georgian/

Fellowship of Isis:
http://fellowshipofisis.com/

General:
http://circlesanctuary.org/
http://paganwiccan.about.com/cs/goddesses1/index.htm
http://paganwiccan.about.com/cs/gods/index.htm
http://www.oldways.com/winter/index.html

I've put a lot of work into creating my BOS and Grimoire today, and I am glad I have. It's really helped me to get familiar with things, to understand valuable aspects of the Goddess and God.

For example, I was putting things into the Lughnasadh entry when I noticed how the God as the harvest must be cut down for us to consume. He sacrifices His life so we can eat Him and live. Familiar? Oh yes. And at least here it makes sense.

I finally feel like I can release all the longing I've felt most if not all of my life to have a religion, to acknowledge my spirituality in a way that isn't half-assed. That's what my pursuit of Buddhism feels like now; like it was a half-way measure to be a wee bit spiritual without going the distance and recognizing the divine as something that can touch me personally.

I am still going to include Buddhism in my repertoire of spirituality; it has incredibly valuable lessons to teach me still, and I doubt I'd be here without me. I haven't outgrown it, exactly; but I have changed in how I approach it.

Integrating it as a source of morality and advice into a religion that is short on both is how it will be for me, I think. But this too could change. I'm full of changes lately!

Many thanks to the Goddess and God for being there for me, even when I wasn't ready for Them.

Well, it's just after midnight, I'm exhausted, and I feel great. I have finally been able to connect with a deity that I can accept, that I can honestly experience and believe in. I know it's all on my terms, instead of on Their terms, but... this is who I am right now. I have to work with what I've got, and I've got a very tough mind that does NOT accept things without them making sense.

I think I've always been Pagan, but since I was raised Catholic and then launched right into strong atheism, I never once considered it an option. It always seemed to me that there were only a few choices: Abrahamic religion, or atheism. No shades of grey, no alternatives.

But I look back at my life now... and I can see it so clearly. My fascination with mythology when I was 8. The hours and hours I spent alone in the woods, exploring, and the way I pretended I lived there, making little "rooms " in the spaces between the trees. That comfortable feeling of coming home I get whenever I smell that moist, cool scent of earth and leaves and green, living plants. And, most importantly of all, my connection to animals. I've always wondered why I was so fiercely protective of them, so passionately fond, why I cry when they're hurt or killed, even the "insignificant" ones like squirrels smushed in the road.

I'd always wondered why... but I had a dream last night, and so many of my questions were answered. In it, I met God. Nothing like Jesus or YHWH, of course, but a young, vital, virile man. He was dressed in green, and had red hair and gentle eyes. He just stood there, saying nothing, but I knew his thoughts. All at once, I knew so many things... I knew that he was a father figure, but the still-youthful father of small children, not the forbidding middle-aged disciplinarian we're all so familiar with in Christianity. I knew that he was not "above" sex; rather, that he enjoys it a lot and along with Goddess has made it his gift to his children, the animals.

I include humans in that statement, of course. But he is mostly concerned with non-human animals. They really are his children-- he feels their pain, their fear. Harming them harms him. However, he is also the flip side of the coin: he is Hunter as well as Father. He knows how essential the hunt is, how the food chain works, and how some must die so others may live. And he doesn't shirk from this issue, doesn't hide his face from it. He leads the hunt himself, knowing that if it must happen, he will not foist the responsability off on others, but will do it himself.

I knew he had a wicked sense of humour, and wasn't above playing tricks on us humans, especially if it will help us learn in the end. It just might not seem anything other than a joke at the time, however.

I've put together a rudimentary BOS, and am delighted that this journal program is so able to fit my needs with its customization, password protection, nesting of entries under headings, etc. This is going to work much better than writing it all out longhand. I'm backing up every day and saving often so if it goes tits-up I won't be completely desolated (or so I hope). I'm even able to insert graphics, and so I can include symbols, maps of the altar, etc. Groovy! I'll put in the contents of my written BOS tomorrow, and start the Grimoire too. I've got that herbalism book, I should look in there also to see what can be included...

Lots of work to do, but I'm looking forward to it! Thank you, Mother and Father, for this opportunity to connect with you in this way.

I just had the most amazing burst of insight a few days ago as I was cleaning the kitchen-- typical Zen satori!!

Anyway, I was ruminating on the science programs D and I have been watching lately... especially the parts about electrons, positrons, and the energy created when they are joined. And it all clicked!! That's what God is!!

The energy itself is the Godhead, the One, the Tao. The Divine. It separates into two opposites, into two separate-but-equal parts: electrons and positrons. Electrons are YANG - the masculine aspect of life, and because maleness is concerned with competition, success, conquering, etc. that's why the world's population is in trouble... the imbalance of too many electrons has created an imbalance in life, with the typical masculine characteristics degenerating into their excessive forms.

We need to balance with YIN - the feminine aspect of life. We need to change from being YANG creatures to YIN creatures because when there's a balance of the two, they are joined and become energy - MERGE WITH THE GODHEAD.

Holy Crap. I've figured out the secret of god. I think.